The TV was playing this old film called You've Got Mail.

 

Another beautiful love story. A beautiful and typical American dream. Not much different from a dream of Cinderella that every girl might have had. If you are nice, kind, honest, optimistic, hardworking...and so on so forth, in a word, if you are a good girl, nomatter what a tough life you are having at the moment, hold on, because your Prince Charming will come and take you away from all your troubles, and it won't be long before it happens.

 

However, life is not a little bit like that. You can be nice and kind and honeset and hardworking and so on so forth, but life can still be tough and keeps what it's like all the time, forever. I guess this is why fairy tales are told from this generation to the next, and are told in different versions, any time, all the time, forever.

 

Why I just feel my heart is filled with bitterness sometimes?

 

I know this is not I am supposed to feel Father. Please...

 

P.S. I do have moments when my heart is filled with joy, although they all go away very quickly.

I just can't stop myself from crying in whole day today. Especially when I was at church, each time when there is someone asking me how are you? Looking at their eyes I just couldn't help and bursted into tears.  

 

There is such a deep sorrow in me that even a lightest poke can cause a huge explosion.

 

I finally made the decision to break up with him last night, who I haven't seen for two years five months and 25 days by today, and I will not be able to see him again probably by the end of the year. We had this relationship for over six years, within which there were more than four years that we were away from each other...however, whenever I thought about the days we were together, I remember how happy we were back then. I even think that I still love him. Maybe that's why it makes me so sad that we broke up.

 

But I am so tired. Keeping a distance relationship is much more and much harder than dealing with loneliness in an alien country. It dries me up. More than that, I don't feel confident with us living together and he takes the leading part within us. I have grown so much when I am struggling to survive in this country starting without any family and friends and probably too stronge to be under his leadership.

 

Anyway...I just want to stop myself from crying!! There are work to do, students to teach tomorrow. I don't want to be exhausted and ugly when I start a new week of work.

 

Like my pastar said, "if he is the man for you, he will come and take you." Nomatter who this man is, I won't do anything to try to look for him or get together with him any more. To pray and wait for him to take me away, I think, are the only things that I will do.

 

Father, I know that you love me always. Please also bless him who needs you. And please stop me from crying...I want to feel the joy that you have created us to enjoy. Thanks Father.

据说今天是七夕，中国的情人节。

让一切重新开始吧。 

 

Haven't written in English for quite a while.

 

Tomorrow I will be giving a talk about China to all Year 7 students and one of the Year 6 classes, approximately 100 people.

 

The Year 7s are doing China as their SOSE topic this semester, so their teachers asked me to give them this talk. It's extra work for me, but there is no presure. I could just talk about whatever that's easy for me, like the Year 7 teachers suggested. However, when I started preparing for the talk, things that I want to let people know just inresistantly and constantly came up to my mind. I wanna talk about the SUPER long history of China, the brillian times China had like in the Tang Dynasty, when China took up 20% of the world GDP; talk about the pains of China, how she was invaded, robbed and insulted by so many countries in more than a hundred years and survived; talk about the rapid development of the modern China, some cities have become "wealthy heavens" while some still struggling and suffering...

 

Just can't stop this passion of expressing. :p  The direct result of this is I had to finish working at school so late tonight. When I was going home it was later than 6.30 and it was all dark and wet and miserable cold...I felt a bit sorry for myself, especially when I did a cooking lesson for my students this afternoon and didn't get much appreciation. I was cooking the whole time when the students all had food and asked me for more but none of them was aware that the teacher hadn't had any food yet. Maybe there is a cultural difference that Aussies, or even most westerners think about others much less than Asians do?

 

So it wasn't a very pleasant walk to home. However, when I nearly got home, I suddenly realise that I have been doing what I dreamed to do, which is to share with people about China, my culture. This became my dream when I was second or third year at uni. Now it has come true while fading in my awareness.

 

What I have is abundant and I should be graceful. Thanks for that, Father.

You were in my dream last night. I was looking for you and looking for you, and looking for you...you were so close, yet so far away.

 

Then I woke up in tears, like a lost child.

 

I am still far away from you.

 

May God bless you.

今天在教会的时候，有一段时间没见面的牧师走过来问我，最近一切怎么样？还问到跟男朋友怎么样了。

我说，我很矛盾。我害怕跟他在一起以后会需要面对更多的生活上的困难。然而我也许应该勇敢一些，因为我们该从神那里寻求安全感而不是从人身上寻求，包括丈夫。

牧师说，你说得没错。可是有的东西是一个丈夫必须具备的，丈夫是丈夫，妻子是妻子，妻子不能成为丈夫，丈夫总应担任leading的角色。

他于是从教会图书馆里给我借来一本书《I Maried You》。

一本并不厚的小册子，著作者是一位牧师，讲述他一次在非洲以婚姻为主题布道时所见闻的各种男女关系的真实故事。

这几日会好好读书，希望神早日会给我答案。

 

 前两周打电话给家里，提到猪肉价格已经涨到十几块一斤，我没有太介意，大概是因为太久没回去，对猪肉该是多少钱一斤已经没有什么概念了。这两天上网，新浪上面说，方便面集体涨价，问了几个国内的朋友，说国内东西的确在涨价。希望不要太反常才好……不然老百姓又要受苦了……

 

在Chinaren上面看到一个新闻，说最近有调查表明，自杀已经成为15-35岁人群的首位死因，真有些耸人听闻。可悲可怜的灵魂们啊……

 

今天上8年级的中文课，一个平时很活跃的学生Emma没有来。其她学生说她病了，说她心跳得很快，我还没介意，以为只是一般的头疼脑热，人不舒服的时候是会觉得自己心慌、心跳很快的。没想到下了课查email，学校新发了通知说这个学生因为新近出现心律过快等症状，已经被列入在医疗健康方面有特殊需要的学生，所有任课老师要注意，如果出现异常情况必须马上叫救护车。一下子觉得心被揪紧了。对那些在课上特别认真、用功、或者活跃的孩子，我不知不觉就已经投入了很多的感情。上个学期6年级一个学生转学了，我心里还不舍了好长一段时间。不知道有了孩子的人对自己孩子的感觉是怎么样的，但是我想我对这些学生的感情已经跟对“自己孩子”的感觉有点相似了。

 

Emma是一个很可爱的孩子。她不是班上最好的学生，成绩中等，上课不是很专心，好动，爱说话，又是还会小偷懒一下，为自己没完成作业找借口。但是她很天真，什么心情都写在脸上。她非常喜欢中文课，每次学到一点什么有趣的东西或者得到了表扬，她都会冲我笑得那么灿烂，蓝色的大眼睛那么清澈的望着我。每次因为不专心被我批评，或者是她的意见跟我不一致，她就会低下头，不满地嘀咕几句，最后又总会说，“never mind!”她个子很高，还不到14岁，已经比我高出整整一个头，参加学校篮球队、还任乐队鼓手。一向活蹦乱跳的她，说病就病了，难免让我觉得揪心。她是个好孩子，愿神保佑她。

 

真的很喜欢我这个8年级的中文班，学生都很热情、好学、爱问问题。今天在提醒她们上课要专心的时候，差点就说出来“明年我就不能教你们了，你们要趁我还在这里多学些东西”话都到了嘴边，好容易咽下去了。

 

附上上学期结束时她们送我的卡片。只是放两周的假，她们就送卡片给我道别，不知道等我真正离开的时候，我们会有多难过！希望我能忍住不在他们面前哭，不然太丢脸了。